What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 06:16
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She wouldn,t have been !
When she asked me how she looked .
How do teachers justify punishing a student for fighting back against their bullies?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My family never makes their pension either.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
What ended your relationship with your best friend?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I said to her
Im still living with it.
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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I could never make a relationship work though!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
It was going to be , some day.
Why do men like to suck another man’s dick?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So whats the point in blame.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
What are the reasons why am I so tired before my period?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Have you ever been humiliated in front of a group of girls and enjoyed it?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Why do you have to be 18+ to go live on TikTok?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She married twice! .
My life is so biszare .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We were not on the streets..
All the time i was locked up.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I waited trembling.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He resisted the act ,that day.
We all went to grammer schools
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
This is soul school!.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was seconnd youngest,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And i lived it daily.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Put me off passion for life!!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
One cannot live in the past .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Ive learnt so much.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She loved him until the end.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I will be 64.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was very sick at this time too.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I don,t even have a pension.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I write beautiful poetry .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was 9 years of age.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
What did i know ?
I have no regrets .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But it wasn’t much.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She was in good health!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Who then, do I blame.?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She found it foreign!.
But, we were locked up after school.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I think the readers, may guess!
Comes on , in middle age.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So, i spoilt her more .
As i do to all so called friends.?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was scared of men, in general
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I couldn’t, believe it.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Would this be the day?
He knew the spot.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..